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The Latino Comedy Project’s ¡Loco Año Nuevo!

JAN. 1, 2008

It’s 2008! Whatever. The Earth makes another lap around the sun; the odometer of life rolls up another digit. You don’t need numbers to remind you that your mortal coil is unraveling. Every time you look in the mirror you see more fat, more moles, more wrinkles. Yes, it’s time to get your shit together, but then again, it was time to get your shit together years ago. All those resolutions you made in 2003 are pretty much the same ones you’ll be making this year: Lose some weight, get a raise or a better paying job, find a soulmate, learn Spanish – at least well enough to order your breakfast tacos without sounding like a total honyak. Those are all noble undertakings to be sure, but given your record of irresolution, maybe you should set the bar a little lower. Aiming for the stars works OK as an empty platitude for motivational speakers, but most of us are equipped with a pair of Wyle E. Coyote spring shoes at best. We’re lucky to be able to even touch net, much less throw down a nasty Dwyane Wade tomahawk dunk. Still, just because you’re in the meat of the bell curve when it comes to human achievement doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to tweak your performance every now and then, if only to make sure you’re not some sort of superhuman who accidentally got bogged down smoking pot, eating Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, and watching Lost reruns all day. Maybe trapped inside you is a Nobel Prize winning nuclear physicist or a concert pianist or an angry little girl who can start fires with her mind. Point is, you’re never going to find out if you don’t occasionally mix it up a bit, and failing to meet the same lofty goals and standards every year isn’t helping your confidence any either. How about reining it in a bit? Maybe instead of losing weight you resolve to buy looser fitting clothing. That’s an achievable goal. You don’t have to buy a whole new wardrobe, just piecemeal it. Besides, what if you gain more weight? You need to be able to adjust on the fly. A raise or a better paying job takes a lot of effort, time, and energy. Instead, you might want to use those resources to examine your sick dependency on materialism. Hey, no one is going to nag you about that, are they? As for finding a soulmate, why not earn your training wheels by finding someone with a pulse who’s willing to look at you naked without strapping on a pair of welding goggles? Maybe the only thing that stands between you and a regular, thorough rogering is your impossibly high standards. Those standards are going to fall sooner or later, so why not get ahead of the game and let them slide right now? As for learning Spanish, you could start by resolving to hang out with more people who speak it. Before you overcommit and stake out a spot in the Home Depot parking lot, you might want to shell out 20 bucks and hang out at Esther’s Pool instead. This weekend they’re hosting ¡Loco Año Nuevo!, a compendium of sketch comedy performed by the talented members of the Latino Comedy Project. They don’t all hablo español. In fact, the show comes with just a smattering of Spanish, but that’s OK. You don’t want to overtax your resolve.

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White Ghost Shivers

Dec. 21, 2007

Christmas is over. Nice to finally shake that dog off your leg, right? Nothing like sitting around all day after the presents are opened drinking eggnog and listening to grandpa fart into his recliner. Now you’ve had a couple of days to contemplate what to do with that Indonesian-made green Wal-Mart sweatshirt your uncle from Missouri mailed you in a duct-taped Quaker State Motor Oil box. It’s the thought that counts, right? And even though he left the partially torn “$6.99 Clearance” tag tethered to the neckline so you would know how much it set him back, your guilt will only extend as far as a Goodwill collection bin. Of course, if you’re smart, you’ll take a picture of yourself in it and Photoshop that picture into another photo where people are doing something interesting – maybe smoking pot with Willie or building houses with Habitat for Humanity – something with a little voyeuristic pizzazz. He doesn’t get out much, you know. Besides, just because your uncle still thinks you’re the same size you were when you were 14 doesn’t mean you have to be a dick, especially since the sweater cost nearly twice as much as the can of Fix-a-Flat he sent you last year. So OK, maybe you didn’t get everything you wanted for Christmas, big deal. What would you do with an iPhone anyway? Surf YouPorn and send MySpace questionnaire bulletins? How embarrassing would it be if you died in a car wreck with your iPhone logged onto Bestiality.com? You’re better off staying hungry and keeping the eye of the tiger (not just because you made sweet love to the empty socket) and both hands on the wheel. It’s only a couple of days until 2008. You’ve got a whole list of resolutions to put together, plus you need to scare up a date for New Year’s Eve. If you play your cards right this weekend you might just find someone to help you iron the wrinkles out of your penis on that special night (unless, of course, your penis is an innie). But where can you hunt up some willing strange this late in the game? Well, there’s always Tangerines over at the Stouffer (aka the “Cougar Cage”). Just a couple of pumps of Axe Body Spray before you troll across the dance floor and you’ll have fur hanging off you like Jeremiah Johnson. If you like to keep it central, however, the Continental Club is your best bet, even though it might not be your target demographic. If like your meat aged and tenderized, the Continental Club offers an impressive selection, and this Friday, when old-timey juke jumpers White Ghost Shivers take the stage, the room should be jiggling with folds of white, sweaty flesh. Just remember: The dance floor is a little like Christmas, you may not get what you want, but you might just get what you need.