Mutton Bustin’ at Rodeo Austin

The Luv Doc Recommends

March 9, 2011

You didn’t spend all that money flying to Texas just to experience the same bullshit blue-state bourgeois brownnosing you were trying to get away from. Even though you knowingly signed up for the largest cultural conclave in the Western Hemisphere – a veritable clusterfuck of desperation, sycophancy, and unbridled egomania – somewhere in some naive corner of your heart you were hoping to walk out of the terminal at the Austin-Bergstrom International Airport and immediately mount a mechanical bull … ideally one with Scott Glenn at the controls, maybe wearing a black-mesh shirt. After all, your travel itinerary said Texas, not Greenwich Village. You came here to drink longnecks, gnaw barbecue off a mastodon-sized bone, and speak with a hostile disregard for the conventions of grammar – maybe even buy a faux-distressed straw cowboy hat for about 15 times what it costs to have some 7-year-old Chinese orphan weave it. Don’t worry about the orphan; think about how fly it will look with your Salvatore Ferragamo side-zipper boots! Besides, Texas is no place to get on your human-rights high horse – especially where kids are concerned. Texans will subject children to just about anything except a good education: kiddie beauty pageants, craft fairs, vacation Bible school, Chuck E. Cheese’s, greased-pig chasing, and perhaps the pinnacle of tough love, mutton bustin’. No, that’s not some obscure porn term like “flying camel” or “reverse cowgirl”; it’s an actual rodeo event in which children between the ages of 5 and 7 (weighing less than 55 pounds) ride bareback on sheep. Yes, you read that right. Hilarious, you say? Youbetcha! Like their older bull-riding counterparts, it’s rare when a brave/horrified little tyke doesn’t get flung haphazardly to the dirt. Rodeo ain’t for sissies. Plus, spectacularly awkward dismounts (rag doll windmills, somersaults with limbs akimbo, wicked face plants) are rewarded with gasps from the crowd, light beer shooting through nostrils, and, in certain instances, a ride in a real ambulance! Rest assured, nothing mans up a little cowboy (or -girl) like a white-knuckled thrill ride on the back of a terrified sheep. In L.A. or New York they might call that type of aggressive parenting abusive, but here in Texas, we call it Country Strong! Go ahead and wipe that condescending smirk off your face. We’re not complete barbarians. Thanks to the worrywarts nowadays, every kid who “chooses” to participate has to wear a helmet and a protective vest. Yes, it’s embarrassing, but it’s not as embarrassing as a rattail, face paint, or a pint-sized Cleveland Cavaliers jersey. Still, regardless of what your mind tells you about mutton bustin’, your gut is probably telling you it’s something not to be missed – like a donkey show in Tijuana, a hash house in Amsterdam, or the grotto at the Playboy Mansion. Yes, you’re going to feel a little dirty and somewhat morally compromised, but in the end you’ll have a memory that will last a lifetime. OK, ready? Time to go make some memories. Take a trip out to the Travis County Expo Center this Saturday for Rodeo Austin. Get your fill of carnival rides, funnel cake, Texas music, and the heady aroma of hay, manure, dust, and cotton candy! Mutton bustin’ starts at 7pm, so beer up early.

Joe Nichols At Rodeo Austin

Luv Doc Writings, The Luv Doc Recommends

THU., MARCH 30, 2006

News flash for the CMT crowd: Lil’ Bow Wow is no longer Lil’, he’s just Bow Wow. Woof! He’s all growed up. Doesn’t matter. You missed him anyway. He blew up the Tuesday headliner spot this week at Rodeo Austin, aka.the Star of Texas Rodeo. Nice change. Rodeo Austin feels homier … plus they knocked five whole syllables off the name. Nobody hates syllables more than cowboys. Cowboys, like cavemen, are notoriously conservative with syllables. Maybe it’s because they talk slowly and don’t want to spend all day flapping their yaps. Rappers, on the other hand, are all about the syllables. The more the merrier. Sometimes they use so many syllables they run out of words and have to freestyle with syllables alone … sort of like Mel Tillis without the music. So kudos then, to Rodeo Austin for extending a hand across the cultural chasm and pulling Bow Wow a little closer to the cowboy way. Of course, Rodeo Austin isn’t the first to tap into the goldmine of cross-cultural marketing; it’s been working for NASCAR too. For some time now they’ve been successfully pimping motorsports to urbanites in the Northeast – people who still think Copenhagen is the Capital of Denmark. Maybe this is what Clinton was talking about when he said we need to expand the definition of “us.” Great idea. With the success of Brokeback Mountain, a natural next step would be “Rainbow Rodeo” night. Really, what’s a few more dudes in tight Wranglers? Speaking of dudes in tight jeans, this Friday country heartthrob Joe Nichols brings plays the rodeo’s arena stage. You might know Joe from hit songs like “Size Matters” and “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.” If you don’t, you’re probably not into country music, but you might be into a guy who looks like Matt Dillon’s hotter younger brother.