Austin Air Sex Championships

Uncategorized

January 22, 2008

You might be tempted to question the wisdom of Alamo Drafthouse in preceding their Air Sex Championships this Saturday night with a screening of There Will Be Blood. The bill sounds a little “dark ages” – as if the air sex competitors have to hoist a stained sheet to prove they’ve consummated their imaginary act. That would be impressive though, Wouldn’t it? If the promo video is any indication, not all air sex is virgin sex – at least not as it’s pantomimed. The competitors however, are another matter entirely. It’s fairly safe to say that whoever came up with the idea of air sex (well, actually it was the Japanese) didn’t do so as a response to getting bored with the real thing. Apparently if you wait around long enough, even the worst air pocket becomes a reasonable substitute for a meat pocket. We’d like to think American society isn’t nearly as repressed. Here in the states, air sex is traditionally relegated to hack comedy routines, excessive end zone celebrations, and obscene gestures by construction workers stranded on girders. That is, until the culturally co-optive folks down at the Drafthouse dropped air sex into their lineup. It turns out that the Japanese are only air sex dilettantes. The real pros live right here in River City. If you’re swelling with pride about Austin’s previously untapped talent, consider this: It’s not because Austin is teeming with savvy sluts and skilled swordsmen. No, most air sexers get their training just like everyone else: Online. That’s understandable. Unless you’re Ron Jeremy, Traci Lords, Mick Jagger, Pamela Anderson, or Wilt Chamberlin, your real-life experience with visually robust scenarios like double penetration, bukkake, and analingus is going to be relatively limited. However, through the miracle of the internets, even the most undefiled virgin can find a treasure trove of information on the biomechanics of freaky sex – certainly enough to bluff their way through a frenzied pantomime of a muff and duff with a couple of monstrously hung weightlifters or maybe a dizzying ride in a Vietnamese spin fuck chair. Question is: Will that be enough to impress the judges? Hard to say. Then again, maybe it really isn’t about the judges. After all, this is air sex, so you can pretty much start with the supposition that everyone’s a loser and has nowhere to go but up, both figuratively and literally. That kind of sick, sweaty desperation always leads to bizarre and entertaining situations, and you wouldn’t want to miss them, would you? Yes, the competition will be fierce, and There Will Be Blood, but only the imaginary kind which, like the air sex, won’t stain your clothing.

Spike and Mike’s Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation

Luv Doc Writings, The Luv Doc Recommends

MON., JAN. 22, 2007

Holy shit, it’s winter! Of course, that doesn’t mean you should try and pitch an ice fishing tent on Town Lake, but it does mean you finally have a quasi-legitimate excuse to rock some socks with your Crocs. Note to sloth: There is no legitimate excuse, so don’t get cocky, crock jockey. Just because in Austin you can wear gym shorts and flip-flops 12 months out of the year doesn’t mean you should. There is comfort and then there is the pig-headed need to prove a point – sort of like when Yankees drive during an ice storm. Yes, the roads are passable, but once every 10 years or so Austin gets to have a snow day, and just because you consider yourself a skillful driver in inclement weather doesn’t mean you have to fuck it up for the rest of us. We’re all pissing ourselves with the prospect of sliding down muddy, ice crusted slopes on soggy pieces of cardboard, so if you’ve intrepidly motored your way into the office, keep it to yourself. There’s a gold star and a fluorescent orange hall monitor vest in your future. If the vest doesn’t keep you warm, your smug superiority will. With exception of the thong, most clothing items don’t make sense in Austin for about eight months out of the year, but even Leslie will throw on some hose and a stewardess jacket when it gets chilly. If you’re one of those types who is insistent on trying to wish away the weather by dressing like you’re headed to a rave in Ibiza, you might want to consult the man who pioneered the 12-month thong look in Austin: Leslie. He may be homeless, hairy, and liver-spotted like George Bush Sr. in the ’92 presidential debates, but he’s also a one-name local celebrity (except when he’s running for mayor). Recently he’s leveraged his cult status with his own dress-up magnet set and MySpace page (www.myspace.com/44499851). Impressive, eh? Point is, no one is more in tune with the shortcomings of fashion slavery than a crossdressing, beer swilling homeless guy, and if Leslie is willing to sacrifice his look for a little warmth, it probably wouldn’t kill you either. You don’t need to read the thermometer. Look at your nipples poking through your wife-beater. Baby it’s cold outside. Either layer up or stay indoors. If you choose the latter, you might want to do it at the Alamo Drafthouse this weekend because Spike and Mike’s Sick and Twisted Festival of Animation is back in town. S&M’s Sick and Twisted is a compendium of cartoons you won’t see on Saturday mornings. Subjects range from insane to obscene and everything in between. This year’s festival includes classics from Dr. Tran and Happy Tree Friends as well as a Schoolhouse Rock style send-up called “My First Boner,” among others. Funny stuff. You might laugh so hard you’ll pee in your thong.

Viva Las Vegas Feast and Elvis Birthday Combo

Luv Doc Writings, The Luv Doc Recommends

WED., JAN. 3, 2007

It seems perfectly reasonable that you should get lucky in ’07, so let’s run with that. Hey, maybe everybody will get lucky in ’07. Wouldn’t that be freaky? Then again, something like that might be a sign of the impending apocalypse, a sort of Godly reach-around for the flesh-loving heathens right before the rapture. He could at least give you that, couldn’t He? Or maybe you don’t believe in luck at all. Maybe you’re one of those people who make their own luck – one of those firm handshaking types with bleached teeth, an encyclopedic knowledge of self-help books, and a fitness regimen that requires setting your alarm clock for 4:30 in the a.m. You don’t need luck. You’re already lucky. You’ll probably live to be 120. Oh joy, oh sweet, sweet bliss. The rest of us, however are fluffy white feathers being buffeted by the winds of fortune until we come to rest next to Forrest Gump’s shoe. Yes, life is like a box of chocolates, as long as some of the chocolates taste like shit and have rocks in the middle. Even the most irrepressible optimist has to admit it’s not all sweet. Most people have to eat a lot of shit before they get to the sweet stuff. Maybe that’s why the moments of sweetness are often attributed to luck. Of course, luck depends a lot on your perspective. If you’re able to get right with waking up at 4:30 in the morning (which most people might see as eating one of those shit-covered rocks) you can probably twist your mind into believing damn near anything, including believing you’re lucky. That, as nearly as anyone has figured out, is the key to luckiness: Feeling lucky. You probably have a lot of reasons to feel lucky, so just consider the ’07 thing icing on the cake. Who knows, it might be the thing that puts you over. Or it could be the Viva Las Vegas screening at Alamo Drafthouse Downtown this Monday. Elvis’ birthday is the biggest post-holiday celebration in Austin, and this Alamo screening features an Elvis impersonation contest (the lucky winner gets a bucket of beer) plus an optional Elvis feast that includes fried peanut butter and banana sammiches, corn bread soak, and meatloaf. Later, if you can shake off your carbo coma, you can attend the Dale Watson Elvis Birthday celebration at the Continental Club – all for one low price of $26. If you can’t feel lucky about that then ’07 may not be your year.