Hope for Haiti Benefit

The Luv Doc Recommends

January 26, 2010

Antone’s CLOSED

That breathtaking pinkish sunrise is not a good sign. Yes, it’s pretty – the kind of daybreak that appears in all your better Southwestern tourist brochures – but it also can be the harbinger of an ugly day for allergy sufferers. Cedar pollen is a sure sign that Adam and Eve really screwed the pooch with the whole forbidden fruit incident. The realization that they were naked was only a very small portion of the package of affliction and misery the Old Testament God had in store. There is so much bewilderingly evil and nasty shit in nature it can only be explained by a malevolent and vengeful God. No doubt cedar pollen is solidly on the list, but there are plenty of other menacing phenomena that top it by far. For instance: porcupines. Jesus, what the fucking fuck? A varmint entirely covered in needles. It’s like an animal designed by prank-store employees. Really, God? Is that some sort of sick payback for the apple? Then of course you have skunks, which look exactly like something you might want to pet … right up to the point when they lift their cute bushy tails. Piranha? Piranhas would maybe make a little sense if Eve had been caught strangling puppies or gerbiling or something, but even still, piranhas seem like a gross over-reaction. At most, an apple is worth an earwig or some bot flies or maybe an ugly case of herpes. Yes, it could be argued that the Lord was acting on principal when he cast A&E out of the garden. In fact, the real punishment for eating from the tree of knowledge is knowing that your God thought it was OK to create a menagerie of other creatures that can eat you, maul you, sting you, strangle you, clobber you, maim you, and hurt you in ways too bizarre for any mentally healthy person to imagine. Crocodiles? Why? Imaginative, yes, but couldn’t all those fish, varmints, waterbucks, zebras, and the like just have died of old age? Must baby fawns be torn to pieces by packs of wolves? Is that really necessary? A world with so much violence and treachery makes a strong argument for either a maniacally sadistic micromanager or a scatterbrained absentee landlord – somebody who drunkenly jizzed in a tide pool then flew off to another galaxy in his silver spaceship. Neither of these models is entirely satisfying, but the latter is much more comforting. Knowing that God was actually pulling the levers when more than 150,000 Haitians were crushed in an earthquake two weeks ago doesn’t really bode well for the afterlife. Would you want to eat at the same Taco Bell where a bunch of people died from E. coli the week before? Even though it’s on a comically smaller scale, the whole cedar pollen problem raises similar questions. Isn’t there a less obnoxious way for trees to mate? Do we have to be covered in a monthlong toxic pink pollen money shot? Do we even need cedar (aka mountain cedar, Juniperus Mexicana)? All it’s ever brought us is nasty pollen, brush fires (proof of a benevolent God?), and shitty bases for glass-topped coffee tables. If you stay awake trying to answer these questions, you probably can’t sleep because your head is pounding with sinus pressure – either that or you’re going insane. Same difference. Trying to understand why cedar trees exist is a pointless exercise – sort of like trying to understand why Taco Bell chose the Beefy 5-Layer Burrito for its 89-cent special. You will never understand that type of insanity unless you’re insane yourself, and the juice probably isn’t worth the squeeze. All you can really do is react to it in a way that seems sane and responsible. That’s exactly what some generous musicians will be doing this Sunday at Antone’s when they perform for the Hope for Haiti Benefit, a fundraiser for victims of the Haitian earthquake. $15 gets you a night of music from Love at War, Johnny Goudie, Suzanna Choffel, Nina Singh, Kathy Valentine, and Savannah Welch, and it might at least help ease someone else’s misery.

A Benefit for Max Moses

The Luv Doc Recommends

May 5, 2009

Max Moses Benefit Poster

Getting laid on Mother’s Day is, to say the very least, problematic – unless, of course, you’re actually a mother. Then you can get it pretty much any way you want it as long as you’re not too tired, cranky, or bitter from the memory of having to force an extra-large coconut out of your vajayjay. Cheer up, Mom, at least you know you’ve more than earned your plaster of Paris ashtray with the tiny hand print, the construction-paper flower with Junior’s picture in it, your husband’s thoughtful gift of spiced-pear bath salts from Bed Bath & Beyond. Just think, if the Ghost of Mother’s Day Future had the mercy to lead you down this dark road years ago, you might have ripped out your ovaries with your bare hands … or at least remembered to take your birth control pills. Still, no use crying over spilled placenta, eh? There’s a statute of limitations on postpartum depression. Certainly you should perk up once your bundle of joy starts trying to make his or her own – unless she’s 12 and dating a biker who looks like David Allan Coe. If your kids are younger than that, you’re all set to get freaky. Just wedge a chair under the bedroom doorknob, and hope your ankle-biters don’t fall down an abandoned well or find Daddy’s hair-triggered Glock in the roughly 15 minutes it’s going to take him to drive you to Bliss City. If you’re a dad looking to score on Mother’s Day, tread lightly. Remember your paternal credit rating is based almost entirely on the one good sperm you managed to donate when the time was right, which is why it doesn’t hurt to score a really good dinner reservation. If you don’t have kids, your odds are slightly better but still a far cry from spectacular. Just because you haven’t yet spawned doesn’t mean you don’t have a mother, and she’s probably going to want to know what you’re up to on this special day, very likely at a highly inopportune moment. Try to remember to wipe off the Astroglide before you answer the cell phone, and, more importantly, remember that you’re not going to be able to wrap up the call in time to save the mood, so try to work out some hand signals to let your lover know that he or she might as well slap on a bathrobe and go whip up some French toast. If you actually are one of those happy few who manage to reach climax on Mother’s Day, pause for a moment and give your creator (hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin) props for providing such a wonderful motherhood incentive program. You should give your mom props, too. Even if you forgot to send her a card or a handprint ashtray, it will still probably make her day. Lastly, if you can’t make your own mother’s day, how about making someone else’s? Sunday night Antone’s is hosting a benefit for Max Moses, a 9-year-old who contracted Leukemia back in January. For $15, you can listen to live music by the Calm Blue Sea, Exit, Johnny Goudie, Shane Bartell, John Pointer, Topaz, Uncle Bruno, the Jolly Garogers, and Fort Worth’s Chatterton. You can also bid in the silent auction for things such as Austin City Limits Music Fest passes, vintage clothes, massages, and haircuts. Your mom probably wanted you to get a haircut anyway, right?