KVRX – The Pleasurecraft

April 21, 2010

Seaholm Power Plant

Occasionally, even right here in River City, you will meet people so stupid they make you want to tear your hair out. Why? Because you’re at least smart enough to know that if you choked them to death, you would probably end up in prison … a place with more people in need of Darwinistic mercy killing than you could possibly handle. As desperate as mankind may seem for a well-reasoned, efficient thinning of the herd, it’s insane to actually take on the task yourself. On a human scale, natural selection is a glacial process – much like dealing with the U.S. Postal Service. You can’t just expect all the stupid people to become instantly extinct like the dodo bird. Sure, you could maybe accelerate the process by luring them all into a stadium for a tea party rally and then clubbing them to death like baby seals, but inevitably a few would escape, breed like rabbits, and spawn a whole new duh generation. Besides, genocide is always messier than it seems, no matter how well planned or intentioned. More importantly, brute force is always outright admission of the failure of intelligence. You’re better off going hairless if that’s what it takes to stay Zen. Maybe that’s why Buddhist monks are bald … they’ve already torn their hair out. Dealing with people of obvious intellectual inferiority can be so exasperating, can’t it? How can you even have an intelligent conversation with someone who doesn’t regularly read The New York Times, listen to the Decemberists, and watch The Daily Show and Stephen Colbert? Someone who forsakes the theory of evolution for the dogma of creationism? Someone who drives a four-wheel drive King Ranch F-250 instead of a Prius? Someone who owns more guns than books? Someone too stupid to realize that meat is murder and milk is tit torture juice? You can barely even look at them without your face contorting into a grotesque mask of derision. Fortunately seven years of liberal arts college education not only gave you the patience of Job but the empathy and compassion of Jesus himself. Instead of snarkily pointing out the intellectual shortcomings of knuckle dragging red staters, Christian fundamentalists, and crotchety, senile, blue-haired conservatives, you take the time and make the effort to understand their position and engage with them in meaningful dialogue. After all, true change always comes from within and is rarely affected by scorn, derision, and ridicule, hilarious though they may be. You’re not the kind of person who dismissively labels someone as a right-wing nut job or a crazy-eyed Christian fundy. No, you always carefully examine people and issues in the stark, unforgiving light of well-informed objectivity. In short, you’re part of the answer, not part of the problem. For that you will be richly rewarded, if not a terrestrial sphere, then surely a spiritual one … if you actually believed in that bunk. Don’t sweat it, Austin offers plenty of earthly rewards for folks just like yourself. For instance, this Friday, April 30, at the spooky shell of the old Seaholm Power Plant, the Texas Travesty, KVRX, and Canvas for a Cause are hosting Lights Out!, a six-hour extravaganza featuring “some of the best bands, comedians, and artwork that the city has to offer.” For only $10 you can see comedians Mike MacRae, John Ramsey, and Bryan Gutmann and be treated to a music showcase featuring local shoegazers Ringo Deathstarr as well as other “exciting surprise guests.” There is also an art auction with all proceeds benefiting Heart House Austin, an afterschool program dedicated to providing a safe haven and academic support to low-income children so that someday you won’t feel the urge to choke them too.

FEB. 5, 2007

Valentine’s Day is coming up. Question is: How can you parlay this once-a-year, bullshit greeting card event into something more meaningful like hot monkey sex (monkey sex in this case being a metaphor for energetic, acrobatic coitus with another human being and not sex with an actual monkey, even with that monkey’s implicit consent through a liberal interpretation of grunts, gestures, and facial expressions)? Seems like it ought to be a slam-dunk, doesn’t it? Unfortunately people are complicated – maybe even more complicated than monkeys … at least ideally. People are always wanting you to jump through hoops. You can’t just go up to people, sniff their crotch, and mount them with vigor and enthusiasm. Doesn’t work that way. At the very least they’re going to want you to learn their name and astrological sign. More likely they’ll want you to show a couple of major forms of ID, a credit card, and a college diploma. Getting some can sometimes be a big hassle. It’s no wonder so many people choose to just stay at home on the couch swathed in cat-haired polyester fleece, watching Lost and polishing off a sleeve or two of Thin Mints before lapsing into a blissful slumber. And really, who’s to say that’s not every bit as valid a sensory experience as wrestling the naked cast of One Tree Hill in an inflatable kiddie pool greased with Astroglide? Life is so full of exciting possibilities that don’t involve the exchange of bodily fluids and yet, for some reason, people are willing to do just about anything for the squish and squirt. Think about it. What else could explain Jovan Musk, camel toes, bluetooths (teeth?), and Camaros? OK, maybe there is some sort of cosmic procreation imperative or maybe it’s simply God, and she’s still all hot and bothered from the big bang – doesn’t matter. The only way to get on it is to get on it, so if you have to go Billyjack once a year with some blunt scissors, Elmer’s Glue and red construction paper in order to get in spittin’ distance of the godhead, that’s a pretty fair trade. Sure, there are other methods, but they’re equally unreliable. First and foremost you need to sidle up to the object of your affection, be it man, woman, or monkey, and start the ball rolling. One way to do that is to go on a date. This Saturday, KVRX is hosting a Couple Skate Valentine’s Day Benefit at Skateworld, Austin, a place that might as well be on Pluto in its geographical relation to KVRX, but they’ve never been known for their lucrative fundraisers and sometimes … well … you just have to work for it, right? Seven dollars gets you skating plus three bands and two DJs. The rest is up to you, Tiger, but there’s a decent chance you’ll run out of gas on the way home.