FRI., DEC. 2, 2005
You know what Christmas doesn’t have enough of? Nudity. Cold weather notwithstanding, Christmas just isn’t a very skin-centric holiday. Oddly, even Jesus isn’t wearing his birthday suit in most nativity scenes. He’s all swaddled up like a mummy. Can’t have the baby Jesus spazzing out and doing the Macarena or thrashing around trying to latch onto Mary’s milkbags. That would be unGodly, wouldn’t it? Really the only ones going native in the nativity scene are the cherubim, who appear to be blissfully freeballing despite a humiliating degree of shrinkage. Maybe it’s because they pioneered arrested development. Of course, back in the BC angels couldn’t just send off for a complimentary trial-sized sample of Levitra. They had to get their bone on the old-fashioned way, and a mangerful of farm animals, wiseguys, hay and placenta probably wasn’t doing the trick. Angels just aren’t freaky like that anyway. Remember Sodom? The original Sin City? Lot tried to offer up his daughters to keep the randy citizenry from “knowing” the angels he was hiding in his house. Wow. Talk about literally leaning over and taking one for the team. Without a lot of theological stretching, it can be safely deduced that angels don’t vacation in Amsterdam or Thailand and that they’re pretty much chill about not rocking big timber. Clearly God is not a size queen, but back in the day He had a thing against tan lines. Adam? Eve? Garden? Serpent? Quince? Yes, God loves us, but he loves us better naked. So, if you’re looking to add a little holiness to your Holiday season, look no further than the Hyde Park Theatre, where this Friday the Jingle Belles will be performing X-Mas Unwrapped! A Holiday Burlesque. Think about it: All the shameless schlock of Christmas dressed down and done dirty by six bawdy burlesque babes. Hallelujah!