MAY 8, 2007
You know, you would be so cute if you just did something with your hair. Have you put on some weight? You look heavier. Are you pregnant? You look tired. Are you getting enough sleep? You look like you just got out of bed. That would explain why your clothes are wrinkled. It doesn’t help that you’re slouching. Stand up straight. Your posture is horrible. You’re going to develop a dowager’s hump. Are you getting enough calcium? Iron? Vitamin B12? How often do you exercise? When did you start smoking? Do you want to die early? Smoking turns your teeth yellow. When was the last time you went to the dentist? Do you floss regularly? You don’t want to get gum disease. Gum disease causes heart disease. Have you had that mole checked? It looks like it’s getting bigger. When was the last time you went to church? Have you met someone new or are you still dating that loser? The one with the tattoos and ear pegs who works at the sandwich shop? The one who smells like foot odor, bongwater, and moldy bread? How can you live in this dump? You should clean up. You can’t leave the dishes out overnight. You’re going to have rats and roaches and God knows what else. Have you considered moving to a nicer neighborhood? There was a homeless man on the corner wearing high heels and a leopard thong holding a cardboard sign that read, “Beer me.” Why don’t they arrest people like that? I hope you’re not drinking too much. Drinking is bad for your skin. You don’t want to become a shriveled up old alcoholic like the man in the leopard thong on the corner. How much do you pay for this place? I hope you carry pepper spray. I don’t think it’s safe around here. You take the bus to work? The bus smells like pee and poor people. You can’t walk alone at night. Are you trying to kill your mother? Poor timing to say the least, it’s Mother’s Day weekend. You need to pull yourself together long enough to make it through Sunday brunch – long enough to convince your mother she was better off not driving to Mexico for a cheap abortion. And would it kill you to pop for some flowers and a card? Probably not. It’s small payback for the woman who ravaged her taint trying to squeeze your hefty noggin out of her birth canal, but it’s better than doing nothing. Face it, there’s no way you’re ever going to repay that debt, but if you’re intent on squaring the deal, if only in a karmic sense, free up your calendar Saturday night for the second annual Grace Foundation benefit at La Zona Rosa. The Grace Foundation helps homeless children get back on the right track and become functioning members of society by providing basic health care, job placement, career training, and college funding – all the stuff you might have taken for granted – for young adults looking to get off the streets. Don’t worry, you won’t have to check homeless waifs for scurvy, all you have to do is sit back, enjoy a concert by Rock Star: Supernova finalist Patrice Pike, a live, onstage painting by Rolando Diaz, food, drinks, and a live auction. Now you really do have a reason to do something with your hair.