Time to head down to the butcher shop so you can start putting your costume together. Meat is fairly expensive, and you’re no pop star, so you might want to go with one of the less expensive cuts – perhaps a flank steak or a skirt steak (a skirt steak miniskirt?) or maybe even something made out of a hanger steak, although with the hanger steak you’re opening yourself up to a heaping helping of extended labia jokes. Chin up, outrageousness doesn’t come without a certain amount of unwanted attention. Besides, every woman has wizard sleeves, it’s just that some are short like the ones on Roger Daltrey’s T-shirt in Tommy, and some are long and dangly like Merlin’s. The important thing to remember is that they’re all magical! In fashion, however, the way your meat hangs is crucial. You can’t just stitch together a bunch of chunks of shoulder steak and call it haute couture. Tim Gunn would pitch a fit. Heidi Klum would fold her arms and wither you with her harsh, Teutonic glare. No, your meat has to drape elegantly and in a way that accentuates your figure, is pleasing to the eye, and makes a confident, innovative fashion statement. Really, it’s a roll of the dice, and you don’t want to play it too conservatively. In fact, you may not want to wear meat at all – especially if you’re a ginger. That’s red-on-red crime. Besides, red meat is becoming increasingly passé because of PETA, mad cow disease, and those adorable Chick-fil-a billboards. Those cowz may be right. Maybe you should switch to chicken … not for the feathers … feathers are so … done, but it’s probably a safe bet that no one has ever fashioned a glamorous outfit out of gizzards – cooked or uncooked. There has to be some use for chicken skin as well … other than, of course, being the best, most flavorful part of a piece of Popeyes’ extra-crispy. Imagine a string bikini fashioned out of chicken skin and tendons … maybe with some wishbone earrings and a neck bone pendant. Breathtakingly accessorized with a chicken claw key chain and wattle coin purse. Being a flightless fowl though, chickens are pretty pedestrian. You might be one of those trendsetters who likes to test limits. If so, you may be better off abandoning the phylum Chordata altogether. If Google is to be trusted, no one to date has ever made an evening gown out of live earthworms. Maybe it’s because the demise of home economics as a high school elective course has cheated so many youngsters out of an ability to sew, or maybe it’s because an evening gown made out of earthworms would be fucking disgusting. Doesn’t matter. If you have the chutzpah to rock a revolutionary look like that, go for it. Just remember you’re going to want to carry around a spritzer bottle. Earthworms tend to dry out in the air conditioning. Sure, an earthworm evening gown would be a showstopper, but it would also be a lot of work … and much of it with a shovel. You might be the belle of the ball for a while, but the shine on your penny will quickly fade once everyone finds out you have the calloused handshake of a lumberjack. As much as the heavenly softness of chinchilla fur argues otherwise, maybe humans have reached an evolutionary stage where we don’t need to use animals for clothing. Or maybe that’s painfully obvious, and wearing animals to protest the wearing of animals is sort of like killing people to show people that killing people is wrong. Seems a little stupid, doesn’t it? Well, we wouldn’t have our pop stars any other way. We don’t ask that they be the brightest bulb on the tree – just the pretty one that flashes the most. Right Lindsay Lohan? You betcha! This Friday night at the HighBall is your chance to do some flashing of your own at Gagarazzi: A Lady Gaga Burlesque and Variety Show. Enjoy drink specials, a raffle, comedy, music, and a dance party that lasts into the wee hours. Most importantly, there will be a costume contest and paparazzi judges who will take your picture and maybe even make you a star! Proceeds benefit Equality Texas, a group that lobbies against discrimination based on gender identity and sexual orientation.
