February 8, 2010

Aces Lounge

It’s still not too late to break up with your significant other in order to avoid dropping a lot of coin on a Valentine’s present. In these tough economic times, buying lavish gifts that symbolize your love seems a bit irresponsible when you could just write a haiku or maybe shave off your ironic Rip Van Winkle beard. Yes, your girlfriend may say you look like Devendra Banhart, but that’s just love putting lipstick on a pig. Deep in her heart she’d like to wrestle you to the ground and shear you like a cashmere goat. Think of it this way: Would you like it if her cooch looked like Moses? And no, it wouldn’t help if she paired it with skinny jeans, a dirty canvas messenger bag, and some really thin-soled shoes. If you absolutely insist on walking around with a ZZ Top soundtrack playing in your head, you might want to consider upping the ante on the Valentine’s gift. At the very least, you should ditch the haiku for something more epic: perhaps a love sonnet or a Damien Rice/Ray LaMontagne/Michael Buble/James Blunt mix CD. Even if she despises them as much as you do, she will at least give you props for suffering through the selection process, although in the end you might feel less emasculated by shaving the beard. If you’re really broke and need to hit a home run, you could go for the grand gesture. Of course the key to the grand gesture is to think big. Standing under the window holding a jam box blaring Peter Gabriel is a bit cliché, but if you’re a paint-by-numbers type, it’s not a bad way to go. Merely the fact that you’re willing to piss off all her neighbors with such an embarrassingly unoriginal stunt has to be worth something. Plus, she will surely be intrigued by whether or not you had to strangle a homeless person to score a jam box. If you’re an adrenaline junkie, nothing says love like spray paint on the side of a water tower. Ideally, you’ll want to save time by painting a heart symbol with an apostrophe “S” rather than spelling out the actual verb. The apostrophe will let her know that even though you’re an idiot, you’re not stupid. If you’re feeling a lot of anxiety about what to get your boyfriend/husband for Valentine’s Day, don’t. The greatest gift you can give him is an outright denial that Valentine’s Day is a valid holiday to begin with. If you can’t muster that kind of resolve, there is always plan B, which involves an act of selflessness and a five-minute time slot on your day planner. If you want to throw in some candy hearts, that’s sweet, but otherwise, Valentine’s Day accomplished. This isn’t rocket science. It’s easy enough to figure out how to handle the dude side of the Valentine’s equation, but it can be maddeningly frustrating to figure out what a girl wants. What you might see as thoughtfully sexy underwear, she might see as an implication that she is a low-rent whore. On the other hand, you would be foolish to assume you can buy her something practical for V-Day … like a vacuum cleaner or a 36-piece ratchet set. She’ll just point at you and say she already has a tool. If you’re going to be wrong (and there’s about a 50% chance you will be), you might as well be wrong in a way that might turn out right. To help you in this awkward endeavor, the KLBJ Dudley & Bob Morning Show is hosting Pleasure Fest, an evening of adult-themed activities and products that will surely offer a variety of ideas on how to either make or ruin your Valentine’s Day. Besides, if you’re dumb enough to buy her a tool, it might as well be something she can use.