October 4, 2008
Oh sweet, sweet, glorious victory! Finally we’ll have somebody in the White House who doesn’t pronounce “nuclear” like a kindergartner. Seriously. How fucking hard is it? Not nearly as hard as bringing lasting peace to the Middle East or hunting down Osama bin Laden, but you have to start somewhere – ideally in kindergarten. Kindergarten would have been the perfect time for George Sr. to give Junior a crisp rap to the head with his 1948 Yale class ring and say, “It’s nooo-cleee-eerrrr!!!” Didn’t happen. Then Andover dropped the ball and subsequently Yale, and here we are several decades later with a president whose best attempt at intellectualism is a furrowed brow. Thanks, Ivy League, shall we grease up another hole? Sure, in retrospect it seems nitpicky, especially with all of the relatively apocalyptic shit that’s been going down in the last few terms, but you can’t slack off on the wealthy. You never know if some silver-spooned, coke-swilling frat boy is going to wake up some morning and decide he wants his grubby palms on America’s joystick. It’s been painfully illustrated in the last eight years that being among America’s financial elite isn’t a sufficient prerequisite for running the show – no matter what Donald Trump thinks. There is a certain amount of intellectual rigor involved in governing a country of 300 million people – even more to govern them well. Eagle One should at least be in the Top 10%. Who could argue with that? Who could make the case that our president shouldn’t be one of the 30 million smartest people in America? That still leaves a staggering amount of leeway. We’re not necessarily asking for Stephen Hawking, just someone who doesn’t rely on fingers and toes to do arithmetic. You could make the cut, and there could still be 29,999,999 people smarter than you are. That doesn’t seem stuck up at all, does it? Also, emotional intelligence is charming but not a sufficient substitute for real intelligence. It has been said that Bush has a high emotional IQ, but apparently it didn’t help him understand why the ice caps are melting or why mindless consumerism isn’t always the best response to national crises. Maybe a presidential aptitude test is in order, or maybe not. Regardless, we’re off the hook for another four years. All we have to do now is weather the upcoming depression and figure out a diabolically genius way to drag ourselves out of this Bushhole we dug in the last two elections. Education would be a good start. If W was able to slip through the cracks of the crème de la crème of American scholastics, imagine what must be coming out the other end. Frightening, isn’t it? For now, however, we can celebrate the fact that America pulled its head at least partially out of its ass for the first time in eight years. Boo yah! Strike up the band, Tito, and let’s get the party started. Where? How about down at Waterloo Park this weekend at Fun Fun Fun Fest? Sure, the promoters spent about as much time on the name as Bush spent on planning the Iraq war, but at least this event has a decent payoff. Some of the many acts scheduled to perform include Dead Milkmen, the National, Clap Your Hands Say Yeah, All, Atmosphere, Bouncing Souls, Dan Deacon, and Clipse. If you blow your money on this, you won’t have to watch it whither away in the next great depression.