April 21, 2009
Wiener dogs are one of those curious evolutionary oddities that contradict the notion of a loving and benevolent God. Upon further investigation, however, it turns out God didn’t have much to do with wiener dogs – at least not in a direct sense. No, wiener dogs, like sauerkraut, lederhosen, and techno, are the ingenious product of the German mind. Interestingly, they all still make a fairly strong argument against the existence of God – or maybe for the existence of a cruel one. That seems to be one of Germany’s special talents. You might think that the Germans bred the wiener dog to just look fucking ridiculous – remember the lederhosen? But wiener dogs were actually bred for a purpose: badger hunting. Yes, apparently, several hundred years ago, Deutschland had enough of a badger problem (need?) to actually necessitate a special breed of dog that could easily crawl into a hole and drag out a badger. So, either badgers were a scourge or a delectable entrée. Either scenario is frightening. Maybe the badgers back in the 1700s were badass badgers with a taste for human flesh. Perhaps bloodthirsty badgers roamed the German countryside slaughtering chubby-cheeked little Hansels and Gretels with slow 40-yard-dash times. Actually, just the prospect of being eaten by a badger is sufficient motivation to breed a master race of badger-killing wiener dogs, even if the danger of said badgers is completely fabricated. The other equally horrifying possibility is that Germans had a taste for badger meat, which would make them no better than the French, who, come to think of it, are responsible for their own genetic aberration: the poodle. Makes you suspect that somehow Europeans took a few wrong forks in the road in the area of animal husbandry. If badgerschnitzel was truly so delicious, why not breed a race of slow, fat, veal badgers instead of fucking around experimenting with tenacious, stubby-legged, sausage-shaped dogs? Maybe it was a flavor thing. Whatever, animal breeding in Europe isn’t easily explained. The cart doesn’t always follow the horse. One thing is for certain: A dachshund fits down a badger hole like nothing else – save perhaps an actual badger. Crunk genius, yes, but it certainly makes you wonder if in some secret laboratory in the sewers of Paris, gay Frenchmen are breeding legless gerbils with sleek, oily fur. And Bush wanted a moratorium on stem cell research! Unlike Republicans, though, wiener dogs are a friendly and lovable breed, though maybe a bit yappy. They also think their shit don’t stink, but who could blame them? It’s so far away when it happens. Most importantly, because they’re so goofy looking, they’re fun to watch in nearly any activity, which is why wiener dog racing was bound to happen sooner or later – and really, it’s taken more than 300 years to reach this entertaining turn of evolution, so there’s no use being snotty about it. Watching little stubby-legged dogs racing is high-larry-us – at least for the first few races. This Saturday at Buda City Park, the Buda Lions Club will be hosting the 12th annual Buda Country Fair and Wiener Dog Races. This year’s theme is Wienerdog Millionaire. See? The fun has started already. The tension mounts. Who will win? Scooter? Quasar? Dixie? Scamp? Elvis? Cowboy? Dapper Dan? Certainly not Darwin. Don’t forget: There’s also a pet parade, the BudaBee spelling contest, a bake-off, and a cook-off. Don’t hold your breath on the badgerschnitzel, however.