JULY 30, 2007
If you don’t own a Hummer, get one. You deserve it. Plus, it’s really one of the few joys left that poor people still have … other than maybe crystal meth and evangelical Protestantism. All these bourgeoisie tree huggers whizzing around in their godnearlydamned, whisper quiet, 50-mile-per-gallon hybrids are slowing down the apocalypse, which everyone knows is a necessary precedent to the rapture. Once again poor people are getting screwed. They’re the ones who would benefit most from the rapture. Rich people, of course, would be left behind (Matt 19:24 – read it and weep, Robert Rodriguez) to dodge the fire and brimstone … ideally in their tricked-out Hummers, and the middle class would be somewhere in purgatory, which is probably a lot like tooling around in a Prius. Question hybrid drivers: Do you really need a practice lap for eternity? Probably not, which is why you should get the Hummer, either way you go you’ll be bringing down the wrath of something, be it Mother Nature or Our Father. With the big H, you’ll be on the cutting edge of capricious conspicuous consumption, especially if you throw on some spinny rims and a personalized plate that says, “Hum Me,” which either means you like to have your cake and have it eaten too or you simply didn’t have room for the last “R,” which in this case might stand for “Resurrection” – something you don’t need to worry about anyway since you’re getting personalized plates. If you’re going Economy (i.e., the little “h”) you’ll be committing a mortal sin – that of oral sodomy, which, if you’re going to go mortal (or delve into sodomy for that matter), isn’t a bad way to go. Keep in mind however that unless you’re Baptist and can whip out the “Get Out of Hell Free” card of a last-minute confession, come the Apocalypse, you’re going to be earthbound with all the Hummer drivers trying to outrun the Four Horsemen. So, what if the scriptures are wrong (like, really, when has that ever happened?) and Al Gore is right? Don’t worry, Hummers are still the way to go. By sucking all that gas you’ll be forcing the issue of our dependence on fossil fuels (necessity breeds invention, right?) and by being sucked you’ll help control population growth so that fewer people are forced to face the purgatory of owning a hybrid. After all, hybrids are just another way for the man to keep us on the fossil fuel tit for another 20 years or so until the ice caps melt and Dick Cheney’s Jackson Hole ranch becomes beachfront property. Besides, everybody knows that solar powered air cars are the wave of the future and have been for nearly a century. So, how do you get a Hummer? If you want the big “H” you’re going to need to make a lot of money, and generally a lot of money means a lot of work. Yuck. For the little “h” your best bet is to start hanging out with musicians. Yes, it’s dirty work, but somehow the sick clash of ego and sycophancy creates a perfect environment for the little “h” – and not just herpes. Down on Red River this Friday (as ever) there should be a mess of musicians milling around for the Flaming Lips hoot at Stubb’s and the Wilco hoot at Emo’s. Both bands are rock icons so you can’t really go wrong on either end of the street unless you think a Hummer will get you a hummer. If that’s the case you’re better off in a Prius.