August 25, 2010

Waterloo Park

You might ask yourself: “Why here? Why now?” Waterloo Park in late August will be hotter than Satan’s taint – sweatier too. Of course, the same could be said of Austin in general, so apparently there are quite a few people here in Weirdsville who don’t mind a hot, sweaty taint. Hot, sweaty taints were all the rage back when Waterloo was the name of a village on the banks of Shoal Creek instead of a municipal park sandwiched between a hospital and a parking garage, but ever since the advent of air conditioning, Fudgsicles, and more recently, South by Southwest, Austin is a much cooler place. People all over the world (who can actually point it out on a map) are always saying it, so how can it not be true? Austin actually is cool – as long as you stay inside for about eight months of the year. Easy enough, right? You may have to quit smoking and work the bleached-out vampire look, but it’s doable. You might also want to check in to getting one of those remote start devices for your car. That way, as long as the soles of your goth shoes don’t melt during your mad dash through the parking lot, you will only have to endure a few seconds of roasting. Remember: Dogs die in hot cars. So could you. If you don’t have a car with air conditioning … or for that matter if you don’t have a car at all, you are, to paraphrase, up Shoal Creek without a paddle. Like the original settlers of Waterloo, you are condemned to chase the shade like cows and, when things get really desperate, shrink your scroat in the frigid water of Barton Springs. Really, Barton Springs is the only sure bet. Shade is nice and all, but it can easily reach 100 even in the shade, and if the humidity’s anywhere in the normal range, your clothes will always feel like a hot swimsuit that hasn’t quite dried out yet. Sure, you can wear light, cool clothing. Couldn’t hurt. A thong is light and cool – at least for the parts of your body that aren’t in contact with it – but rest assured your taint will be a raging red furnace. Regardless of what you wear or don’t, you’re going to sweat like a whore in church, so even if you’re dressed like one, you still need to drink lots of water. Back in the old days, hydration was much more of a sticky wicket. It contained things like cholera, intestinal parasites, Comanche poop from up river, and water moccasins (not Weejun preppy loafers, but real, poisonous snakes). Nowadays, however, there is always some benevolent corporation willing to slap its logo on a plastic bottle, fill it with water, and sell it to you for a few dollars. That way you can avoid the embarrassment of violent bouts of bloody diarrhea, stomach cramps, and projectile vomiting. There is also a small chance you might develop breast buds from synthetic estrogen released from the plastic bottle the water comes in, but hey, everybody likes boobies, right? Oh yeah, and also there are apparently enough plastic water bottles to encircle the globe 190 times. Apparently somebody is staying hydrated. That’s the key to a healthy life isn’t it? It’s certainly the key to a healthy Hot Sauce Festival. Beer will only get you so far when it comes to withering heat – if you don’t down a little water along with it, it eventually will get you to the first aid tent. That’s an important thing to remember if you’re attending this Sunday’s 20th annual Austin Chronicle Hot Sauce Festival. Your body is definitely going to burn through some water – either from the heat of the sun or the heat of the sauces in the tasting tent. Usually the samples run into the hundreds, and for a couple of cans of food from your pantry, you can taste them all if you have the fortitude. It’s an epicurean extravaganza that is about as uniquely Austin as they come. Certainly it’s worth a little sweat on your taint.