August 18, 2010

The Off Center

Piracy is in, so it only follows that pirates should be as well. Problem is, there are a lot of pirates to choose from and not all of them are equally cool. For instance, intellectual pirates, the most common pirates by far these days, are a thoroughly uninspiring lot consisting of a large swath of humanity: shut-ins, eggheads, techno-geeks, cocooners – pretty much anyone with a high-speed Internet connection and flexible morals. As far as fashion sense, pretty much anything goes as long as it’s comfortable enough to allow for long spells in front of a computer monitor. In an office environment this would mean business casual – maybe some Dockers, a polo shirt, and some Vibram-soled shoes. At home, however, where most intellectual pirates do their plundering, the dress code is a bit more lax – anything from a food-stained terrycloth bathrobe down to just a simple pair of tighty-whiteys with worn-out elastic will suffice. Probably a significant number of intellectual pirates pirate porn, which doesn’t really require much in the way of accessories other than a bottle of lotion, a box of tissues, or some sort of silicone prosthesis with a cute nickname like “Wankenstein,” “The Dildozer,” or “King Dong.” Really, if you can’t pirate porn in your birthday suit, why even bother? Somali pirates are getting quite a bit of ink these days too – not skull-and-crossbones tattoos but media attention. They deserve it, if only for their ability to dream big. Sure, they probably swashbuckled their way through plenty of expensive private yachts, but those are just toy boats compared to something like a Saudi supertanker. It’s amazing what a few enterprising young men can do on the high seas with a motorboat, some AK-47s and a couple of RPGs. Costumewise, however, Somali pirates are only a small step up from their pasty-skinned, computer-savvy counterparts – which is truly heartbreaking considering most have runway model physiques. To maintain a similar look, Heidi Klum would have to snort an ounce of meth a day, eat a bucket of tapeworms, and stick her finger down her throat after every meal. Even still, as model-thin as Somali pirates are, they still have a way to go with costume design. Their outfits may be functional, but basketball shorts, bandanas, and bandoliers are simply too avant-garde a look for anyone not perched menacingly on the bow of a longboat. Of course, the biggest fashion faux pas of Somali pirates is that they want it too badly. Desperation isn’t attractive to anyone except maybe sex tourists in Thailand. The key to a really successful pirate look is a devil-may-care attitude – something that is essential when you’re wearing a puffy shirt and buckle shoes. The nice thing about traditional pirate wear is that it’s a fairly easy look to nail: captain’s hat or bandana, eye patch, beard, puffy shirt, sash (remember that devil-may-care thing?), billowy pants, parrot (fake is best unless you want a smack-talking wingman who occasionally flies up to the mainmast and shits on your head), and, if you really want to take one for the team, a peg leg. Easy enough, right? You probably have a hacksaw and a tourniquet laying around somewhere. Of course, the most fun thing about being a pirate is talking like one. No, it never gets annoying, and anyone can do it. Tiger Woods can probably do a serviceable pirate. Martha Stewart can too. It’s almost as easy as doing an English accent, and like an English accent it’s hilarious to nearly everybody, except maybe the English. All you really need to channel your inner pirate is a few anachronistic nautical terms and a complete willingness to abandon your dignity. If you’ve got that, you’re ready for Saturday’s Aye Eye Ball, this year’s iteration of the Rude Mechanicals’ annual Eye Ball fundraiser. The Aye Aye Ball, though maybe not exactly a pirate shindig, is at least nautically themed, featuring a silent and live auctions; music by Eye Ball DJ for life, Graham “Poseidon” Reynolds; and an appearance by high-society hostess Rebecca Havemeyer. You could certainly rock your vintage cruise wear to this fete, but pirates get more booty.