November 22, 2011

Well, well, well … what have we to be thankful for? Yes, the world economy’s in the toilet, drought and fires have ravaged most of the local landscape, the Longhorns might be looking at a break-even season, and it’s an inescapable reality that each and every person reading this column is going to die someday, but it’s not like you’re ready to fellate the business end of a shotgun. You’re not Kurt Cobain. Besides, there are some bright spots. How about the Interwebs? Thank you Al Gore for personally paving the information superhighway! Now nearly everyone in the world with access to an electrical socket wakes up knowing that the collective knowledge of thousands of years of human evolution is literally at his or her fingertips. Well done, sir! And yet, instead of taking advantage of the enormous enlightenment, personal growth, and understanding such information might offer, they mostly just surf for porn and post cute kitten videos on their Facebook feeds. Ah well, if you teach a man to fish, you’ll feed him for a lifetime, but if you teach a man to surf the Web, he’ll be surrounded by sticky Kleenex in no time. Regardless, something good is bound to come of this Internet thing besides “Thriller” flash mobs, Rick Rolling, and WikiLeaks postings of U.S. Army snuff films. Here’s something else you should feel thankful about: Obama. Sure, he’s no Billy Dee Williams. Hell, he’s not even Dave Chappelle, but he sure is doing a spectacular job of chapping the asses of cracker conservatives all over America, which is truly worth another four-year stint, even if Democrats have to walk 10 miles barefoot through the snow to the voting booth. Plus, if he gets a second term, Obama can go buck wild and actually make conservatives’ worst nightmares come true: free foreclosed suburban homes for welfare mothers, illegalization of all guns, mandatory free education and college scholarships for all illegal immigrants, government funded abortions for everyone, socialized medicine (that’s insane), and of course, the pièce de résistance, outlawing Christmas – or at the very least replacing it with a Gay Pride parade for aging bears. You know you just got a semi – not necessarily because you’re into burly, hirsute old gay men, but because how awesome would that be? Old, hairy, shirtless dudes in assless chaps disco dancing to Erasure down a street lined with bawling toddlers? Well, keep your fingers crossed. There’s always a chance for a Christmas miracle. Speaking of assless chaps, the weather’s pretty nice isn’t it? That’s something to be thankful for. The icecaps may be melting because we’ve reduced the ozone to just a few molecules of oxygen that bump into one another every now and then, but it’s the end of November and you’re still rocking a rich, St. Tropez tan that makes George Hamilton look like Edward Scissorhands. You’re crushing it. And lastly, you’d be remiss not to be thankful for your smartphone. Really, you have to admit it’s awesome. Remember back in the day when people were worried about Big Brother (aka the government) knowing everything they did in public or in private? Turns out Big Brother could give a shit. Private individuals, on the other hand, are up in one another’s chili like never before, which has created the Facebook standard of public propriety. People no longer ask themselves, “What would Jesus do?” Instead they ask themselves, “What would this look like if it were tagged in a Facebook post?” Thus, we are no longer entertained (as often and pricelessly) by a drunk wearing a lampshade and a pair of beer-stained tighty-whities doing a Riverdance on the coffee table or a potentially crippling backflip off the back of the sofa. Moonings are increasingly rare, and you know, damn … it’s like a fat cop can’t mace a few protesters anymore without having it posted all over the Internet (and Photoshopped into just about every iconic image in the last 2,000 years). You can be thankful for that. Relatively, life is pretty sweet, even if you’re a 99 Percenter – especially if you’re a 99 Percenter in America. You should celebrate. They’re doing exactly that at the Hole in the Wall this Thursday by cooking up a free Thanksgiving meal. All you have to do is show up, buy some drinks, enjoy some great music by Chris Brecht & Dead Flowers, and the Hole will feed you a delicious Thanksgiving feast.