February 17, 2009
Suppose you finally decide you want to lose that middle-age hipster nut-duster. Here are some options: You can cream it, wax it, pluck it, or shave it … with one, two, three, four, and even five blades. Want to make your privates smooth and shiny like a polished apple? Semipermanently? You can hire someone to burn down that jungle with a laser. Then again, you may want to retain some vestige of your primordial muff … maybe a landing strip or an inverted pyramid or some sort of wacky, Edward Scissorhands pubic topiary art piece. Go for it. The world is your oyster, and with a dab of baby oil, your clam can glisten like one too. Truly, it’s amazing people still have eyebrows anymore. Nonetheless, if you look around, you’ll see that there are plenty of stalwart holdouts who refuse to give in to progressive pressure. Ahoooo … werewolves in Austin. You’ve seen them running down the hike and bike trail, chest hair shimmering with sweat, tufts of wiry black strands Adam’s apple high, never threatened by Gillette. Girls got it going on, too. If you keep your nose to the ground, every once in a while you’ll see an earth mama rocking some Clydesdale length leg hair. No shame in that game. It’s the way God made her – plus, it distracts you from obsessing over her dirty toenails. In fact, part of the danger of letting your hair grow is that you create the perception that you’ve let yourself go … sort of the hygienic equivalent of walking around in sweatpants and house slippers all the time. Sure, it may be easy … comfortable even … but most people like to think you put in a little effort on their behalf. Is that so wrong? You could make the argument that society has twisted something that is perfectly natural into something shameful, but really, are you willing to jump that far off the evolutionary bandwagon? Would you prefer that everyone walk around au naturel, with their junk clanging like church bells, dropping turds willy-nilly and copping squats whenever their bladders start to bulge? Before you traipse off into that deep end, spend a week at Kerrville. Of course, this is not to say that you can’t have body hair and still be treated as something that doesn’t smear itself with feces. There are plenty of men (and drag kings) who maintain a nicely manicured beard or moustache. Some would even argue that body/facial hair is an attractive and admirable characteristic. After all, there is a long list of facial-haired famous people to make their case: Abe Lincoln, Ernest Hemingway, Jerry Garcia, Tom Selleck, Robin Williams, ZZ Top, Frida Kahlo, and tragically, at times, Keanu Reeves. So clearly, you can make fur your friend, and you need not necessarily grow a Billy Gibbons-length, desert island Moses mop to do it, though admittedly, looking like you’ve shared a jail cell with Charles Manson probably has its benefits. Why else would the folks at Misprint magazine organize a whole beard and moustache competition? Yep, this Friday at the Mohawk, Misprint is hosting its third annual Beard & Moustache Competition. The event is hosted by local comedian Matt Bearden and features live music by Cavedweller, as well as DJ’d music by DJ Andy and DJ Huge Cock. Prizes will be awarded for Best Groomed, Fiercest Chops, Ladies, Freestyle, Sweetest Moustache, and Gnarliest Beard. Don’t even pretend you don’t want to go.