The patient gentility of the anagram ASAP
May 18, 2012
Luv Doc, Sir,
Why do Americans always say “ASAP” when they really mean “RFN?”
– Marcus
Because, kind sir, Americans aren’t filthy-mouthed motherfuckers like you Europeans. We’re politer than shit, in fact, which is why we choose to use an anagram that means “as soon as possible.” ASAP recognizes that people oftentimes have other things on their plate that might delay your request. For instance, if you’re calling 911 to report that you’ve been stabbed and are bleeding to death, saying “send an ambulance ASAP” implies that you’re OK with the 911 operator finishing up her Facebook post about bedazzled cat sweaters before she rings up dispatch.
If instead you use the term “RFN,” she will be angered at your inflated sense of self-importance and your egregious use of anagrammed profanity. She might not even send an ambulance at all. Hey, it’s not all about you. Other people have lives, too – although maybe not as short as yours. If you really want her to send an ambulance, you may instead want to say, “Send an ambulance, stat.” That lets her know you know what the fuck is going on. For all she knows, you might be the surgeon in charge of her upcoming hip replacement. In other words, you have some leverage. Stat means “right fucking now,” and even though it sounds like an anagram (which, of course, implies that you don’t even have time to spit the words out … CriManSqua?), it’s really an abbreviation of the Latin word “statim.”
As you can imagine, even in the clumsy, arcane language of the one true church, that extra syllable is a huuuge time-waster. In fact, I can’t even believe I typed it out (there’s .03 seconds of my life I’ll never get back). Being named Marcus, you clearly grew up in a Latin-speaking household and should be comfortable with the term. In fact, your name is how I deduced that you are European, possibly from the Vatican City itself, where Latin is still the mother (or is it father?) tongue.
Whatever; the point is that when you say “stat,” you have the force of nearly 2000 years of Christian authority and oppression behind you, and people tend to shake a leg if only because of some innate, evolutionary fear of being drawn and quartered by a bunch of dudes wearing crosses. My suggestion is that if you’re frustrated with the patient gentility of the anagram ASAP, you should drop that crass Eurotrash RFN right fucking now and adopt the urgency word of your native tongue, stat. Capisce? It’s un-American of course, but you should be true to yourself. After all, in the words of Seneca: Veritas odit moras.